boy its been a minute since I actually sat down and wrote. I missed it and it has been one of those things where you feel like you’ve gotten so behind and then you’re unmotivated to start again because there is so much you want to do.
I haven’t written to you in TWO MONTHS and lots has happened – you knew that though since I’ve talked to you through it all and you were right there by my side. Time to get back to sharing with everyone though 🙂
July has been crazy and it feels like it passed in a blink. Last Monday I took my last final for summer classes at IDI and I’m so ready for this break. I need it – even though I have no idea what to do with myself now. I struggle with being not busy. Like I’m not contributing or getting closer to my goals or being a productive human if my days aren’t packed full. I want to be all things all the time and help everyone in anyway possible, but I start spreading myself thin and exhaust myself both emotionally and physically. I have to consciously remind myself that I am still just twenty, still a full time student in college, and should enjoy this time as it is now instead of trying so hard to be more of an “adult” – or whatever society makes that mean.
I’m so happy that I took classes this summer in addition to the continual stream of onlines. It became long at the end – stressful, tiring, and both mentally and physically exhausting. The projects I was able to work on brought so much excitement and also really pushed me creatively. I’m a perfectionist though and when it is finals week, that comes way to the surface. I have an idea and plan as to how I want things to be done and happen, but nothing was going as I had planned so I started to lose it.
I was really tested that last week of class. I had to let go and know that I was giving it my all, and that my all would be good enough. That’s hard for me but nobody is putting perfection onto me – I’m doing it to myself and I need to do a better job at also giving myself a healthy dose of grace.
Lots of talks with Jesus that week allowed me to see that if I am doing all I can, then I can trust because He will take care of the rest. It’s like momma and daddy always told us growing up – “Just do your best and let God handle the rest”. I always loved that way of thinking and I am so grateful they gave us that outlook for school & sports & other activities. I should start believing it wholeheartedly again though because honestly, I have started trying to do it with my will and not His.
During that last final week of class, I actually stopped, trusted, and ended up being very proud of my final project and happy with how the presentation went. Even if it was major ups and downs to get there, leaving me thinking everything fell apart, nothing really did. God had my back.
It feels like He also reinforced my letting go of perfection so I can see how He works because everyone loved what I presented. It is nerve-wracking getting up in front of other students and professors to present your idea, your design, and your creative spirit. You almost have to be vulnerable because you have no idea if what you’ve worked so hard on will be received well. Looking back now, it is like I received a little pat on the back from Him, telling me that I did a good job with that “see I’ve got you” fatherly love.
I miss you beautiful girl and I want to say thank you for constantly being my inspiration and my encouragement.
I love you to heaven and back,
your big sister.