I’ve got to get real here and say that I’m struggling in the blogging, writing, and creating areas. I have dreams and ambitions for this blog and what I hope it can be for myself and everyone who comes in contact with it. I want it to be a real and honest space. A place for dreaming, growing, and learning. A space for me to share and create as I walk through life learning to love and be the person God has uniquely created me to be.
Lately though, I’m struggling. I think it’s all in my head and not necessarily fully there. But even so, having it just be in my head is enough for the struggle to become reality.
Ever since coming home from Colorado and starting school back up, I’ve been busy. Busy can be good to a point. Busy can keep me from letting my heart sit in pain. Busy can keep me productive and on top of my to-do list, but busy can make me stressed, frantic, and overwhelmed all at the same time.
I’ve been busy with what I love: design school, room makeovers at home, homework, family, internship, foundation, online class, friends, and various other responsibilities. But even when I’m busy with what I love, I can start to feel lost. The joys of it all can start to fade away if I let my worry-some, anxious, perfectionist and over-thinker brain take control.
I love all that I’m putting on my plate so far this year. And I often want to add more! I feel this energy and excitement with all I know God will do in this new year as I wait to see His work unravel.
I think where I start to feel overwhelmed and lost is when I let the responsibilities and future to-do’s take precedence over myself and my passions. I want to take time each week and read or write or create just for the fun and enjoyment of it. I think that time with yourself is extremely important: you learn and you grow from it. The thing is, I can start letting other things push in front of that time and then I start to stress and worry when my brain starts to over-think.
There’s another aspect to this all that brings me back to this blog and how it all comes full-circle. I can push other things in front of that time where I want to write to you all because of fear. Fear that I’ll never live up to my posts that have gotten the most love and attention. Fear that I’ll fail and I am not good enough or don’t have it in me to write something better or more influential and meaningful.
I want to make a small difference and impact in all of your lives. I want you all to feel loved, valued, heard, and understood. I love people and I’ve learned a lot from those who help me feel loved, valued, and understood, because these are areas in my life where I can let the devil takeover and make me feel inferior.
As I write this, I guess it all comes back to the fact that I need to trust and believe in myself – just like I’m encouraging all of you. I need to believe that what I share is important to someone. I need to continue doing this because I love it. I watched a TED talk this morning about learning from our successes and failures. The woman who was talking wrote Eat. Pray. Love. She was encouraging us that no matter where success or failure catapults you, you have to find your way back home. Home being that thing or place you love more than yourself. Failure doesn’t matter when you can rest in that thing you love. You move past the failure and grow instead.
I’m not saying I’ve reached success because two of my posts have had thousands of reads. I don’t think I’ve necessarily failed when the following post doesn’t even receive a hundred views/reads. But in my mind, I tend to think of it more towards failure because of the standards I hold myself to (which in itself is a whole other post on learning to hold onto and practice grace – post coming eventually).
If you’ve read this all, wow! Thank you for reading through my jumbled thoughts as I work through life and try to create a transparent space. I’m on this journey with you and I want to encourage you all to do what you love. Do it even if it seems to be for an audience of one. God’s given you passions and dreams and gifts to chase after and pursue. Failure isn’t going to end you and failure isn’t bad. Failure shows you what you love and how hard you want to fight for something!
All my love,